Christianity: December 2007 Archives
I'm in seminary because I have an irresistible, irrefusable call to ministry. Despite the fact that I would not choose myself for such a vocation, I cannot seem to resist the compelling force to walk this path. And, rather than telling me how foolish I am, many people who know me encourage me to persevere, saying they see in me something that tells them I have a true calling. Yet every time I try to follow this path, I hit insurmountable obstacles.
When I finally realize how impossible this is for me, a divorced, transsexual lesbian (now in my forties), with yet somewhat traditional and orthodox theology, I come to my senses and stop.
And then comes the intense feeling of loss. Some time later, perhaps six months or a year, I realize I cannot say no to this call. No matter how difficult, how impossible, how ridiculous it is, it is what I must do.
Now I have hit another immovable object. I have to stop. And yet the call is an unstoppable force.
I know the fault is in me. Either I am failing to understand how God is speaking to me, or I am failing in walking the path God has set before me.
And it makes me very sad.
I do not blame God. I blame myself for the failure - even for the failure to see where I have failed.
I cry out for help. I pray that God will grant me whatever I need to do God's will - whatever that will may be. I pray I will be made into the person God has dreamed me to be.
I pray for wisdom to know which way I should go - not the destination, but for the place to plant my next step.
I pray for the humility to accept whatever task to which I may be set.
I pray for the courage to do whatever I must do.
I pray for the strength to overcome the obstacles which I must overcome.
I pray for the acceptance that there are obstacles I was never meant to overcome.
And I pray that my love would always increase, to always care for the others I would find on my way, and for the grace to forgive those who I feel have harmed me, no matter how I felt I was harmed.
I don't know what to do, but at least I have the humility to admit that.
When I finally realize how impossible this is for me, a divorced, transsexual lesbian (now in my forties), with yet somewhat traditional and orthodox theology, I come to my senses and stop.
And then comes the intense feeling of loss. Some time later, perhaps six months or a year, I realize I cannot say no to this call. No matter how difficult, how impossible, how ridiculous it is, it is what I must do.
Now I have hit another immovable object. I have to stop. And yet the call is an unstoppable force.
I know the fault is in me. Either I am failing to understand how God is speaking to me, or I am failing in walking the path God has set before me.
And it makes me very sad.
I do not blame God. I blame myself for the failure - even for the failure to see where I have failed.
I cry out for help. I pray that God will grant me whatever I need to do God's will - whatever that will may be. I pray I will be made into the person God has dreamed me to be.
I pray for wisdom to know which way I should go - not the destination, but for the place to plant my next step.
I pray for the humility to accept whatever task to which I may be set.
I pray for the courage to do whatever I must do.
I pray for the strength to overcome the obstacles which I must overcome.
I pray for the acceptance that there are obstacles I was never meant to overcome.
And I pray that my love would always increase, to always care for the others I would find on my way, and for the grace to forgive those who I feel have harmed me, no matter how I felt I was harmed.
I don't know what to do, but at least I have the humility to admit that.
